10/17/2006

Advice for Wives

Throughout my adult life, I have occasionally come across a certain kind of wife that I will call a “mother-nagger”. By that, I mean someone that treats their husband as if he were an errant immature child and not an adult in his own right. I am sure that most of you have encountered the type too. She will nag her husband to go clean himself up when he comes in from having raked leaves for 10 hours, when all he just wants to do is sit down for a minute to catch his breath. She will constantly remind him of all the little jobs that need doing around the house the way you constantly have to nag children into doing their homework. When in the company of others, especially in the company of others, she will often refer to her husband as just another one of her children. For example, if a couple has 3 children, she will tell others that she has to put up with four kids at home, the implication being that the husband is just another one of the kids.

This behaviour is wrong on several levels and this blog entry is just my way of trying to help any ladies out there that behave this way. I will address you lady readers directly (if there are any) and try to explain why you should not act this way. (I should add, at this point, that I have thankfully managed to avoid this particular plague in my relationships.)

First, it is condescending. In virtually all of the cases that I have personal experience with, the husband is a decent guy. He had held down a good job for years. He is respected by his friends and colleagues. He pays taxes, earned university degrees or has built up a business. In short he is a reasonably successful adult male. So, it’s just not plausible that he is as much of a doofus as the wife asserts. And the thing is, you see, he knows this. He knows he is not a loser. He has plenty of evidence. The inevitable result is that he will simply stop listening to what the wife has to say. No one likes to be treated like an idiot, especially someone who isn’t one.

Don’t misunderstand me. I know full well that there are loads of immature louts out there. There was a 1996 chick flick I saw entitled Beautiful Girls. Among other things, the plot involved two gorgeous small town ladies in their early 20’s who were dating two of the sorriest twits one could ever meet. The story was about, in part, how the guys matured to finally realize how superior these two women actually were and how lucky the two guys were to be with them. At least, I think that was what the filmmakers wanted me to think about the movie. What I actually thought was how stupid these two airhead babes must be to have stayed with those two mouth-breathers for as long as they did. And that’s the second point I want to make about “mother-naggers”. If the guy that you are married to actually is as big an innocent as you claim and that he really merits all your ridicule, well, that says more about you than it does about him.

The third and probably most important reason to not be a “mother-nagger” is only slightly subtler. Most men, you see, are not sexually attracted to their mothers. There are men that are sexually attracted to their mothers, but they are either already in prison serving time as serial killers or are on an FBI watch list. If you happen to be married to one of those, this blog will not help you. If you insist on treating your husband as if he were a child and continue to persistently do so for years, the way his mother did when he was a misbehaved kid, then somewhere in his mind you will become a second mother to him. Ladies, we all had a mother and we do not need another and we certainly do not want to be intimate with our mother. Once you become a second mother, no mail order ruby-red lingerie will have the effect it once did. If your aim is to avoid having sex with your husband, then keep treating him like a child.

I can hear some of you now, however, “But my husband really is just a big kid!” If you find yourself saying that as you read these words, do this: Minimize this window, go take a nap and reread this blog later when you are more alert. And this time, pay attention.

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