Unreal Estate

On a recent overnight trip out of town, we stayed in a mid-range hotel in southern Ontario. We don’t subscribe to cable television at home, so it’s only when travelling that we can see what’s on in the 500-channel universe. We enjoy Holmes on Homes (HGTV) and so we tuned into that station for a couple of hours to wind down after a rainy six-hour highway drive.

That particular Wednesday evening was real estate night on HGTV, and we watched a couple of shows that we would normally not be able to stomach. The first was a program about something called “home staging”. Apparently, you can go to a school to learn to be a “stager”, and that school was prominently mentioned several times during the show. The idea behind “staging” a home is that a suitably decorated place will sell more quickly and for more money than one that’s not. The program shows people busily buying stuff to quickly decorate a house before going on the market. Staging can get surprisingly expensive, but the sellers who are paying for it don’t mind because the ultimate selling price makes it worthwhile. So we’re told. They never said what happens to all the props once the house is sold.

I find this bizarre. As a buyer, I would prefer to see a bare house so I can see more of it and less of someone else’s decor. If that brings down the price, well isn’t that good for me? Why would buyers be willing to spend more just because the house they’re looking at has some temporary furniture in it? But I am probably wrong about this, as I have ample life evidence that I don’t have a clue about marketing. But I believe that what’s actually happening is that buyers out there are gullible morons, who have been suckered by con men into believing bullshit so that they will spend more money for no good reason. But what do I know?

There was also a one-hour program featuring three “high-end” real estate agents in southern California. The cameras followed three young guys around for a few days as they wheeled and dealed in the very expensive housing market there. The least expensive home featured on the show was selling for about two million dollars. All three drove large Mercedes automobiles. Life is always sunny on the coast.

The camera followed one of the agents into a shoe store where he spent $600 on a pair of custom-designed Italian imported sneakers, the latest thing. While there, one of the other agents wandered in and they talked for a while, in false reality TV coincidence. During the conversation the first asked the other what he thought of his new shoes. The other said, “I’m down with those sneakers,” and they high-fived each other. Buying shoes, an achievement worth celebrating.

Later, one of the agents went into a clothing store to cheer himself up. He bought five or six new suits, some shirts, socks, and the total came to over $8000. He stuffed the clothes into the trunk of his Benz and he drove off to a house-showing. The cameras followed that particular agent into his shower, later at home, as he prepared for a blind date. He’s bi-sexual and his friends were arranging for him to meet a new guy that evening at supper. The camera crew actually followed him into the shower stall to film him soaping up; this had the subtle effect of demonstrating how large his bathroom was. They also filmed part of the dinner party and the touching goodbye at the door with the new would-be boyfriend. They agreed to remain friends, but alas they hadn’t really clicked. Lonely boys in the big city; money and a silver Benz ain’t everything, I guess.

One of the last segments of the episode involved the agent with the $600 sneakers again. His client was a divorcée of some corporate big shot, who was looking for a beach house for the summer so that her 15-year old son could go surfing. Surfing on the water, I mean, not the web. She looked to be in her mid-forties, with that plastic-surgeon produced stretched-skin veneer sheen on her forehead and cheeks, a look I associate with females who have too much money and not enough to do. She rejected a couple of places because they were too far from the beach, even though the agent told her that she would have an extremely difficult time finding a beachfront property that late in the season. But, like many rich spoiled people who nearly always seem to get their way, she insisted, and the agent eventually earned his sneakers. He found her a fully-furnished 4-bedroom Malibu beach house for only $75,000 per month, in a neighbourhood with many other A-list celebrity tenants. The agent used the actual words "A-list celebrity". Neighbours matter of course, you don't want bikers next door, but why does having movie stars living down the block make a house worth that much? But she was happy to pay $75,000 per month for three months so that her son could go surfing close to home where mommy could keep an eye on him. A happy ending for all.

As I watched this embarrassing parade of vapid caricatures, it occurred to me that if they ever caught Osama and brought him to trial in the USA, the defence could make use of programs like these. At some point, the bearded one would probably want to make the political point that the USA represented a debauched and evil culture that deserved to be destroyed. The defence could then show re-runs of these shows to the jury as supporting evidence. Of course, the argument would not convince any jury in the USA or anywhere else, nor should it, but it might make some jurors hesitate for a second or two before voting thumb’s down.